“HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! I can’t wait to start doing so many things that I probably should have been doing already, or stop doing so many things that I never should have started in the first place!”
Yeah go shove it Mike. Last I checked, a year lasted more than 72 hours. It’s been about a week since January 1st. Be honest. How many of you already quit your so-called “New Year’s Resolutions?”
“I’m not quitting, I’m just taking a short break.”
Short break my fucking ass. Do you want to know why New Year’s Resolutions fucking suck? No? Well too fucking bad. I’m gonna tell you anyway. That’s what you get for quitting.
Anyway, let’s start from the beginning. How long is your list of New Year’s Resolutions? Does it resemble your Christmas list? Well just like Christmas, no jolly, fat, red-clothed, animal abusing, child labor-exploiting, type II diabetic home intruder is going to come and make all of your stupid wishes come true. Because that’s what they are. Wishes. You want the new iPhone? Guess what. Santa isn’t going to gift wrap it in tin, and deliver it as a silvery suppository. Also, Samsungs are better. (This is obviously not sponsored, I’m just making up for kicking the shit out of Samsung in my last article.)
Also, how many of them are unrealistic? For example, if one of your wishes was to get out of debt, how long did it take for you to get there in the first place? For me, it was a few mouse clicks and quickly signing my soul over to the Lucifer that is Sallie Mae.
Are your wishes flexible? Do they have adaptability? Is it a win/lose, black/white scenario? Because you know life doesn’t work that way right Mike? There is always a gray area.
Do you even fucking know what you are doing? “Oh I want a to start a new career, one that is fulfilling yet makes a ton of money.” Fantastic. Good for you. What applicable skills do you have? Is that list significantly shorter than your two lists of wishes, but still result in disappointment? “But-” Shut it Mike. On a roll here.
Are those wishes even your wishes? Do you actually care? (The answer is no, but I’ll get to that in a second.) Do these wishes actually hold value to you? Because I can tell you right now that I don’t give the first, second, or third fuck about losing weight. Probably because I’m still borderline underweight but that’s not the point.
Are you willing to fail, or at least accept the possibility of failure? “Failure? No! Never! I saw in that one Navy SEAL Movie that they refused to accept the possibility of failure, which is how they got through their training!” Yeah ok Mike. Hats of to those guys, their ability to balance a red ball on their noses while wearing oakleys and perfectly styled hair notwithstanding, those are some real hardass motherfuckers. But you know what the difference is? They refused to accept failure, which translated to a refusal to quit. YOU on the other hand, are afraid of failure so you are too bloody petrified to start. “But-” No. Stop. No. One day, we may get to my fear of failure, but not today.
OH AND FINALLY. THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT. THE ONE THING THAT TRUMPS EVERYTHING ELSE ON THIS LIST. YOU DON’T CARE. SHUT THE FUCK UP MICHAEL I’M NOT EVEN LETTING YOU INTERRUPT ME. YOU DO NOT CARE. IF YOU DID, YOU WOULD HAVE STARTED ALREADY. IF IT REALLY MATTERED, YOU WOULDN’T WAIT FOR SOME ARBITRARY DAY TO SAY “Hey, you know what? Now would be a good time to get in shape. Right after eating a metric fuck-ton during Christmas/Winter break. Yeah, that’s a great idea.” YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TAKEN THE TIME TO MAKE THAT STUPID LIST OF WISHES BECAUSE LET’S BE HONEST, THAT TIME WAS JUST PROCRASTINATION SO YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO START.
But now’s your chance. Right the fuck now. January 9th, 2017 at 5:11pm Eastern Standard Time. You failed once. You will fail again. You will fail many times in life. But no one remembers you fell 1,000 times if you summit that mountain on try number 1,001. Get the fuck up. Visualize your goal. Get to work.