ART: I KNOW IM LATE. SHUT UP.

So I was gonna post this on Inauguration Day, but school got in the way. Then airsoft (a subject for a later time.) Then sleep. So yeah. Whoops.

Right. So I’m not gonna get political too often because honestly, I’m just getting sick and tired of all of this shit. Also, getting political means that I have to unveil more and more about myself, which kind of goes against my initial goal of anonymity. But, I guess this is a special occasion that calls for it so here it goes.

I’m a selectively hard-line Republican. And just like that, poof. Just lost 60% of my readers. The rest of you are looking at me weird with your heads on a 15 degree tilt like “the fuck is ‘selectively hard-line?'”  Stop it Brandon. You look like a dog begging for treats. Also it makes me feel weird.

Anyway, selectively hard-line means exactly what it sounds like. I agree with them on some issues. But I go hardcore on those issues. The rest, well, I like to describe them in the most shocking way possible. Just for my own enjoyment mostly. For example, abortion. You want to murder unborn babies? Honestly, not my problem. Go for it. Or don’t. I really don’t care. You want to pump even more chemicals into your body just for a few hours of enjoyment? Hell, pretty much everything gives us cancer anyway. And weed won’t fuck up my liver the way alcohol does. Just legalize it, and tax that fucker to fund education. Also, I expect my brownies by Tuesday. For the most part, I just plainly don’t give a fuck unless it impacts me directly. Like gay marriage. I honestly don’t care. I mean hey, Brandon, if you like guys then you fucking like guys. Good for you. Even better if you can get some of them to like you back. But if you’re gonna throw me in jail because I won’t bake a fucking cake for you, we got a problem. More importantly, what the fuck dude. Capitalism. Free market. Just go find another baker. I’m sure someone out there wants to pay rent or feed their kids with your money.

“Ok, so what do you care about?” What do I actually care about? Well for one thing, guns. Yep. and now I’m down to 20% viewership. I’ll get into why I care about guns in another article, because it will take too long. I also care about Freedom of/from Religion. I used to be a Christian. For the longest time I went to a Lutheran Church. Now, I’m Agnostic/Atheist. Because frankly, I just don’t care anymore. I’m not gonna keep calling if I just get sent straight to voicemail. But if you want to believe in God, or Jehovah, or Allah, or General James Mattis, or the Flying fucking Spaghetti Monster, then no one should be able to tell you “no.”

“Sounds reasonable-ish I guess, what are you against?” For another time Brandon, for another time.

Now onto this election. For the most part, I tried to stay out of the political crap unless I was talking to my friends. I didn’t post stupid shit on facebook or whatever because I’m not gonna change any minds and I’m just gonna piss people off. But this isn’t facebook. I’m not me. I’m just one of the Narrators. So here we go. Let’s start with my own party.

I was deeply disappointed when God-Emperor Mattis  announced he wasn’t going to run. So then I went to Trump. Not because I particularly agreed with his policies, but because he made politics interesting. He wasn’t afraid of trying to be politically correct and it was refreshing. Then he started to win. Which was amazing. The guy literally said “I can shoot someone on 5th avenue and I wouldn’t lose any voters.” I guess other people were also fed up with the political correctness. It was nice to feel that I wasn’t alone. Now I couldn’t outright support him because I would’ve been fucking crucified, being at a college and all, but still. Trump wins the Republican nomination. Yay.

Then comes the general election. Oh boy. Grade A shit show. Let me just say, Democrats, yall really fucked up. Bad. Like my last Calc exam bad. If you didn’t cheat Bernie Sanders out of the nomination, I’d probably have a free college education right now. I mean, I have no fucking idea where the money is coming from, since we’re currently some 20 fucking trillion in debt, but hey. Fuck it. Free college. Yay. But nope. You decide to give the nomination to the Evil Bitch of the West. Hilldog. Hillary Fucking Clinton. Like what made that seem like a good idea? Was it abandoning our men in Benghazi? Or calling half of your voters a “basket of deplorables” ensuring that they will never vote for her? Or how about calling half of Bernie’s supporters “basement dwellers” and dividing your own party? Or ignoring half of America, focusing visits only on population centers? Or thinking that celebrities hold enough political acumen to win over voters? I won’t even get into the emails and the strange freaky shit that they imply. Note that I said imply. Innocent until proven guilty. Even for her.

But honestly. What the fuck. Then you go on and support Black Lives Matter. The organization that started with good intentions, but then got taken over by domestic terrorists, calling for the death of cops. You supported that. Grats. And the media. The media pushed so hard. They ignored all the negative feedback, all of the people crying that they weren’t trust worthy. I thought all those people were crazy. At first. Now, I’m starting to see it.

People were just sick and tired of Obama. Don’t get me wrong, I respect the guy. I bet he would be a fantastic man to sit down and have a scotch and a cigar with. He was dealt a real shit hand of cards. But man, did he play that hand poorly. Dropped race-relations to pre-MLK, the most mass shootings EVER (don’t blame the guns, I’ll get into that next week or whenever I feel like getting political again), made the police force a target, and fucked the shit out of healthcare. The people wanted change. Clinton did not represent palpable change. Mr. Trump, although vulgar and insulting, offered a very dramatic change. And now, thanks to enough people getting sick and tired of being called “a cocksucking homophobe” (oh the irony) just for wearing an American flag patch, we have President Trump.

Man, I hope he does a good job. I hope Mattis, who actually knows what he’s doing, guides him well. And to all of you idiots that hope he does poorly. I hope you know you’re wishing for the Titanic to sink, just so you can watch the Captain drown.

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