ART: Hallmark Profits

Sorry I’m late ladies and gents, life kind of jumped out from around a corner and gave me a solid beating.

Anyway, Valentine’s Day happened while I was gone, and the whole thing is a load of shit.

Yeah. Valentine’s Day is a load of shit. A massive, pink, scientifically-incorrect-heart-shaped load of shit.

“Oh Narrator, you’re just bitter after 2-ish decades of loneliness, solitude, and rejection.”

Yeah. Thanks for that, Alex. Appreciate it.

Not, but seriously, hear me out. It’s fucking stupid. The whole concept is straight up stupid. I’m not gonna go into the history of Valentine’s Day, because let’s be honest, none of us care. But what really is Valentine’s Day today? It’s essentially the Christmas of February.

“What do you mean?”

Well, it’s culturally important for whatever reason, and someone gets to make money off it.

Honestly, what makes February 14th so fucking important anyway? If you’re in a relationship, you’re expected to do something special for your significant other. Like a special date, presents, flowers, what the fuck ever. Point is, you’re expected to go above and beyond. But why? Why that day? Personally, it would mean way fucking more to me if my SO just decided to do something on a random day, completely unexpected. That way, I know they’re doing it for me, not just some stupid social construct. But if you happen to have an SO and you don’t do something special, suddenly you’re a dick. Now, this is dependent on the person, obviously. My good friend, The Hero (character profile soon), has been lucky enough to find a girl who doesn’t care about this kind of shit. But for the most part, Valentine’s Day is important to people for arbitrary reasons.

Oh and if you’re single, apparently it’s Single’s Awareness Day. Like yay me, I’m alone, incompetent and not ok with it. Fucking cry. If I was alone and ok with it, then I wouldn’t make it a big deal, but I’m not ok with it, so I’m gonna whine a bitch on this day in particular. Despite the fact that no one loves me or cares the other 364 days of the year, I’m gonna choose today to be a salty piece of shit.

“Wait, but you’re writing an entire article on why Valentine’s Day is shit, doesn’t that mean that you’re…”

Shut the fuck up Alex. Fuck you. Yeah. I’m moderately salty. I’ll admit. I’m not perfect. Fuck off.

Point is, it’s fucking stupid. Maybe it stood for something once, but now Valentine’s Day is just the asinine American Consumerist holiday between Christmas and Easter. One of the “oh shit, I gotta run and grab a card from Hallmark and keep those fuckers in business” holidays.

But hey. It’s the weekend after. And guess what? The chocolate is on sale. You know what that means? That’s right. Indulge in the self-destructive intake of calories that far exceeds the needs of your body, leading to a myocardial infarction and a premature death. Cheers.




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