ART: Till Death Do Us Part

I don’t really understand the whole concept of marriage.

“What? What’s not to get?

Well, Alex, you gender ambiguous name I’m using as a metaphor to directly communicate with the audience, it just doesn’t make sense to me.

When I was just a kid, I remember visiting some extended family. I remember I had 3 cousins, lets call them 12, and 31 and 2 had a complete “family unit” as in they had a mother and a father, an alpha and bravo. But 3 lacked a father. So I asked my mother “hey. I noticed something weird. I have you and dad. 1 has 1 Alpha and 1 Bravohas 2 Alpha and 2 Bravo. But 3…  only has 3 Alpha. Why doesn’t have a dad?”

I was praised for noticing the details, quite a mental feat given I was only like 2 at the time, but I was only told not to ask or 3 Alpha since it would upset them. I quickly forgot about the whole matter.

A few years later, the church I was a part of hosted a wedding. I hadn’t yet become disillusioned in religion so I just ran with it. I learned about how marriage is supposed to be a “holy sacrament” or some bullshit. A gift from god or whatever. But hey. It was different than listening to some sermon about “kindness” or “loving our neighbors” or whatever the fuck they try to shove down our throats, so I was at least mildly entertained.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuck up Narrator. You can’t just go and trash Christianity like that.

Calm your shit Alex. I intend to trash Christianity, and religion as a whole for that matter, far more thoroughly. With the help of George Carlin. Just not today. But I digress.

Basically, through various sources, I learned that marriage is supposed to be when “two people love each other very much and want to take their relationship to the next level. That way, they can start a family and live happily ever after.”

Yeah ok. Except in practice, that’s not how shit goes down at all. It all looks simple enough on paper, but in reality, well. It’s kind of like making cookies. Everything appears to make sense, the directions are clear and easy to understand, yet somehow, there’s suddenly fire everywhere.

Honestly at this point, I think I’ve seen more failed/failing marriages than successful ones, and my standards for success aren’t particularly high.

“What do you consider to be a successful marriage then?”

Basically any marriage that is boring enough not to be a sitcom.

But nope.

“Is there a particular reason you think marriages fail?”

Gee I fucking wonder. Could it be due to people rushing into shit that they aren’t prepared for? Societal pressures? Benefits in the form of tax breaks and other reductions? And hell, marrying for love is a relatively recent concept. Go back several hundred years and you could be married off to a person you’ve never even met to strengthen the alliance between Spain and France.

Personally, I think its all a crap. If you actually find someone that fits with you and, after much thought and consideration, you decide you do actually want to spend the rest of your lives together, then fuckin great. Good for you. Go for it.

As for me, I personally don’t have the need for even the most basic of romantic relationships so I’ll be refraining from any thoughts of marriage anytime soon.

“But Narrator! Aren’t you afraid of growing old and ending up all alone?”

Not particularly. I can’t think of any situation where I would actually physically need another person. And as for the thought of being surrounded by a loving family when facing my mortality, well…

There’s a reason why they add the phrase “till death do us part.” It’s because actually, in the end, everyone dies alone.




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